...

The answer is no.
No I don't know why we try to change ourselves to impress others.
No I don't know why we let  other people control our emotions.
I don't know why we crave acceptance.
I don't know why bad things happen to good people.
I don't know what makes someone a good person.
I don't know why the things we love most are taken from us.
I don't know why we love someone who will never love us back.
I don't know why we do the same thing every weekend and hope something new will happen.
I don't know why it's hard to forgive. I don't know why it's even harder to forget.
I don't know why we hide our problems in fear of looking inferior.
I don't know why we don't just realize everyone has problems.

But there are a few things I know.
I know God is good.
I know a  smile and positive attitude can go a long way.
I know things happen for a reason.
I know you should hold on to those who make you happy.
I know that things will get better.
I know we will eventually move on.
I know it could be worse.
I know the importance of friendship.
I know the power of love.
I know how important it is to love yourself.

Senior.

Guess what. It's official. I'm a senior. And school has started. I'm being a nut head and taking 3 ap classes. As well as being on StuCo and Dance Co. My life literally revolves around the high school. But i'm fine with that. Actually, that's how I want it to be. I have so much pride in my school. Maybe because I'm there double the amount of time as the average student, but I really am Proud to Be a Caveman. 

So my brother has officially been gone 14 months. I wish I could say time has flown by, but it hasn't. It has definitely felt like 14 months. Spencer, Sarah, and Parker are all on missions. I really am the only one of the fab 4 left here in Utah. I miss my best friends. I should say siblings I guess. It will be a great day when we all are together again. It will be at least 2 years until that happens though. So for now I will just send them letters like a good friend does. 

I forgot that not only does school bring homework, but a whole bunch of stress. Stress about friends, clothes, school dances, actually doing my hair, being friendly, and somehow finding time to stay sane. Homecoming is in 3 weeks. I want to go. SO. BAD. It's senior homecoming. You can't blame me. So I will keep you updated as to how this plays out. 

P.S. I've already got a dress. It's hecka cute. (yeah, I just said hecka. Thank you Connor Grigsby) 

I continue to discover day after day how important it is to be true to yourself. With school starting up again I notice myself comparing what I look like to others. Whenever I compare myself, I will quickly think 3 good thoughts about myself. Being unique is an amazing thing. That's what people are drawn to. So go ahead and wear that outfit you are a bit worried about. Introduce yourself to that cute kid in your grade. Smile at everyone you pass in the hallway. You will begin to feel better about yourself. It's amazing how that works.

The important things.

I don't know where to begin. So how about just from the beginning. For the fourth summer in a row I have attended efy with my dear friend Bonnie. Her and I go to different schools so I don't see her as often as I would like. That's why I cherish our weeks at efy. That girl and I have a special bond. I can't explain it. It just works.
My testimony has become the biggest part of me in the past weeks. It's always been the focus, but I've actually started using it in my life to its full capacity. I've never felt so much joy as when I'm sitting in a room with hundreds of kids who are all there for the same reason. To become closer to Him. It's truly amazing.
I find complete peace in the gospel. It has been a challenging week for me. I tried my best to shut out the outside world, but it was all  pushing down on my shoulders. I actually had to have my dad come pick me up Wednesday night to come home and take care of things. Tender mercy. My dad is the most amazing man I have ever met. I want to marry a man just like him, and I won't settle for less. The way he treats my mom is amazing and one day I hope to be treated that way as well. I'm just waiting to someday meet this guy. As my dad and I were driving back he started just asking me about everything in my life at the moment. I started to tell him and realized my issues weren't actually that big. I shouldn't care what other people think. There really is only one person I should please and He loves me unconditionally. He will never leave my side. For those few moments I had alone with my dad I forgot everything. We blasted songs halfway to Provo. I don't sing in front of a lot of people, but my dad and I were belting and I felt complete security and happiness. For now, my dad is the only man I need.
I was lucky to be reunited with my 3 best friends today. First I went to lunch with kels. She's willing to listen to me talk and give me honest advice. I'd be lost without her. Then I went and got snocones with Hannah. We talked about Tokyo and my senior year and how each person is unique. At efy you are surrounded by Mormon girls. There are times that you feel like you have nothing that makes you stand out. I've got bushy hair, fair skin, a little nose, a quirky laugh, my cheeks get large when I smile, I can't walk in a straight line, and I have an issue of giving back sassy comments. I've always seen these things as flaws. But I've come to realize its what makes me myself. And I have people in my life who love me EXACTLY how I am. They will be there for me mistake after mistake and will put up with me. That's all I could ask for.
3 weeks. That how long Parker was gone. So as I opened my front door tonight and saw him leaning up against his car, I may have cried a little. We hugged and hugged and then he tickled me. Typical. We sat in my park under the stars on my favorite blanket. It was a bit cold, but not terrible. We caught up with each other, and then began to act like we always do. Like our complete selves. We attempted to sing and harmonize, I filled him in on the life of a pine tree, and we laughed til our bellies hurt. But he also sat very quiet and listened to me tell him about a few things. He always knows what to say to me. And hearing him tell me I was perfect the exact way I am warmed my heart. The kid is a blessing in my life. And he always smells good. Just another reason why he gives the best hugs.

People come in and out of our lives for a reason. Doors open and close. Sometimes we shut them, and often people shut them for you. But I've always liked trying new things. So this time I'm not looking back.  

The memories begin

My summer so far has consisted of allergies, Wyoming winds, late night talks with friends, a farewell or two, being nanny, and testimony building experiences.

But I'm looking for a little more. I think each girl dreams of that perfect summer that is so perfect they could write a novel about it. I want a boy to call me up randomly and tell me he has made plans. Of course if food is involved, that would make it even better. I eat a lot for a girl, I'm over it. And end  the night dancing under the stars. You see, that's how I express my thoughts. I'm not great with words. They all get jumbled up in my mouth and come out differently than planned. I also tend to lose the filter which stops me from saying things I shouldn't. But when I'm dancing it all seems to make sense. That's when time stops for me. We don't have to talk. Just dance with me. That's right, I'm asking you.

So maybe I have a few fantasy summer dreams. All girls do, and I think even guys. But when I look back, I've already began my collection of perfect summers moments. Like when Taylor called me and asked if I wanted to go do baptisms. There is something special about being baptized by your friend. Knowing I have worthy friends who can go on missions is amazing. I look up to these boys so much. I've also spent sometime sitting on the couch knitting a scarf for a soon to be missionary. It had been our inside joke forever, and I thought why not! So call me old lady, but I don't mind knitting. Great way to pass time! I've had wonderful conversations with a friend who is great at listening. I need someone like that. Someone who will actually sit and listen. I don't have a lot of people like that in my life, so I cling to them when I find them.

My summer may not be the storybook teenage summer, but it's MY summer. And it's just begun. Who knows, maybe I will find the guy who is willing to dance barefoot in the rain with me. And if not, I will call kelsie. That's what best friends are for. 

Summer 2013

It's like a complete weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Welcome to summer. This is the summer of my Junior year. That means this is the same summer that Troy and Gabriella met. Yes, I am making a High School Musical reference. But I'm looking for a summer full of adventures like theirs. New experiences, hot summer nights under the starts, wonderful friends, and memories after memories.

It's time for fresh starts.
Just what I need.

My life is full of wonderful people. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth. Wonderful people that I won't see for two years after this summer. Although a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, it's like my heart is tightening up because there are so many emotions I am feeling and I don't know how to control them. Time is running out and I want to cherish every moment I have. Come summer you find out the people you want to spend time with. I guess what I'm trying to say is I put my focus during the school year on some of the wrong people. I worried too much about other peoples lives and didn't focus enough on my closest friends. This caused problems. But I'm lucky enough to have friends who can forgive. I'm excited to spend my summer with these people. People who I deeply care about. 

Yep.

It's finally here. I'm a senior. I really feel like I should still be in 7th grade, but part of me knows I am ready. If I take a step back, I realize how much I have grown as a person in the past year or two. I've really become comfortable with myself, and I love that.

I tried so hard in junior high to be someone I wasn't. I wanted to fit in with the popular group, and because some of my closest friends were in that group, I somehow made my way in there. But I never really got to be myself, and it bothered.

I've gone from that insecure state in junior high, to feeling very confident with myself. I've stopped acting a certain way just to please people, or dressing and doing my hair a different way. I've come to understand it is okay to be unique, because that is what makes you beautiful. I use to think it depended on how long your hair was, or how skinny you are, or how many friends you have, or how many boys give you attention. No, beauty comes from a whole different genre. I really believe beauty shines from the inside out. The way you treat people and showing love make you much prettier than any amount of make up can. This was a very hard concept for me to grasp. I tired so hard for attention, it was just silly.

It really is an amazing feeling to feel proud of yourself. To know you are trying your best everyday to become the person Christ wants you to be. I make mistakes. A lot to be exact. But I learn from each of them and they become a part of me.  My dear friend Cordell reminds me how beautiful I am all the  time, but he says the most amazing part is it comes from the inside. From being genuine. I believe each person deserves to hear this. I know some of the most genuine people. People who have had the biggest influence on my life. These are the people we need to surround ourselves with. When we feel confident about ourselves, it makes us want to reach out to others. We connect with people when we know they love us for who we are.

My blog really is just one big mess of my thoughts and me trying to stay positive. I use it more as a journal. So I don't blame you if you don't follow my thought process. I don't follow it very well either. 

Progress each day.

I have a hard time admitting I am wrong. My mom tells me I justify things to always have them fall in my favor. This comes from insecurity. We don't like being told we are wrong, especially me. I don't like disappointing people either. Maybe this is why my grades matter so much, or why I cried getting my first speeding ticket, or feeling so guilty when I treat my friends poorly, or when I get angry at myself for not being able to dance like I used to.
I'm learning that mistakes are part of life. How else are we supposed to learn? But this doesn't give us an excuse to act in whatever way we please. Our actions affect the people around us. I've always been one for the "do what makes you happy" life. I still think that's important, but I've learned, people are much more important. I've learned this the hard way. I need to focus on othes more, and step away from the self centered life I tend to live at times. This is all part of discovering ourselves and being human.
I'm blessed with amazing friends. Friends who would be willing to do anything for me. I take that for granted much too often. I just hope it's not too late. I also have a loving father in heaven whom I also take for granted at times. It's amazing how much he continues to care, even when I don't do my part. He's put some amazing opportunities in my life at the moment, and I hope I can please him. It's going to take diligence and a change in my attitude.
This is why in grateful for forgiveness. It gives me the chance to try and be a little better each day.
So friends, thanks for putting up with me. It means more than you know. I'm trying my best.