I'm happy.

I realized something great today.
I'm starting a new chapter in this long book I call "my life."
I've found myself smiling for no reason quite often. I think I've figured out why.
I'm happy.
Like, "come on world! I can conquer anything" type of happy.
You know why?
Because I have conquered a lot in the past 4 months.
I'm really proud of myself.
I'm more than halfway done with high school. That thought is a little scary.
I still feel like I should be an awkward 12 year old.
But I guess the awkward part hasn't changed. Just my age.
Everyone is growing up.
Taylor turned in his mission papers.
 Hannah can go on a mission at the end of this year.
I register for my senior year on Tuesday!
It will be 4 months from the surgery on February 9th.
I turn 18 this year.
We have enough snow to last us a decade. Somehow they expect us to still get to school safely.
I still listen to Mumford daily. I have also been listening to a lot of Keane lately.
I have stopped letting drama consume my life.
I curled my hair today. That doesn't happen often at all.
I got an 85% on my math test. 3 cheers for Heather!
I still have toe nail polish on from Preference. I'm seeing how long it will last.
I have council retreat this weekend. I'm super excited.
I don't think we will be sleeping at all on Friday night.
Bonnie and I snapchat all the time. I love that crazy girl.
I've already started planning my summer. Holla!!
We may go to Harry Potter World for spring break.
I would cry real tears if we did.
I love going to junior jazz games. I secretly wish I could play basketball.
I'm happy with where things are at the moment. In more than one situation in my life.
I'm going to the temple tomorrow. Bright and early.
Things are starting to get better.


P.S. that picture was taken 3 days after I tore my ACL. I know it looks cute like I'm popping my foot, but the truth is that was the position my leg was stuck in. Didn't really straighten it for about a month. Just a fun fact :)

Monday.

"You can do anything you want. You just can't do everything. "
-Eric Vernon

My daily challenge:
1. Do a sincere act of service daily.
2. Smile at 5 people I don't know at school.
3. Don't go to bed until all my homework is done and I feel prepared for the next day.
4. Whenever I have a negative thought about someone, think of 2 great things about them instead.
5. Don't complain. Keep things positive.

Read Jacob 4:7.

Listen to this Song. It kinda speaks everything on my mind. 

I've been thinking about something this kid told me. He told me it's ok to cry. Because when you cry it means you miss something or that something means a lot to you. Spencer always knows what to say. I've watched him grow immensely over the past few months as he has been in Poland. That is where he is suppose to be for these two years. I do miss S-force though.... so does my GPA.

I've finally got things figured out. But you better believe it took a lot of time. 

Karma is real. 

I can almost do the splits again. Take that knee. 

Logan told me he is finally going to answer me to Morp. It's about time.

I've finally learned how to forgive.

I really like my new haircut. 

I still have glow in the dark tape on the back of my phone from November. 

I like wearing as many layers as possible to school. 

Adam Mayne makes me laugh. 

I have a math test tomorrow. 

Cordell Cox is a great guy. 

I read my horoscope daily.  

Some people call me Vern. And I like that. 

I love Kelsie Shuler.  I'm a big fan of hers.

It's Monday. 

Choices

What I should be doing

I should be doing my homework
      but instead I'm reading blogs of beautiful people.

I should wake up early some mornings to shower
     but I usually just go to school with my hair half up.

I should be dancing everyday
    but I CAN'T because God has given me a trial.

I should just forgive and forget
    but sometimes that is harder than we think.

I should say, "We're in high school, so do what you want."
     but I know that there is a greater picture and plan.

I should be a better friend
    but sometimes I tend to focus on only myself.

I should be praying morning and night
    but sometimes I fall into bed without praying.

I should be kinder to my family
    but sometimes I'm just a stubborn teenager

I should be visiting my Spanish Fork friends more often
   but life is just crazy.

I should be starting to plan for prom and be doing my job
   but starting to plan scares me.

What I shouldn't be doing

 I shouldn't be caring what others think
    but that's hard in high school.

I shouldn't be getting bad grades
    but I am trying my best.

I shouldn't have to miss ballet everyday
    but things take time.

I shouldn't be judging others
    but that can be hard.

I shouldn't stress about the future
    but I'm a control freak.

I shouldn't have frizzy hair
   but you can't have it all.

I shouldn't have an addiction to Junior Mints
   but well.... I actually see nothing wrong with that one.

I shouldn't hurt peoples feelings
   but sometimes we lose sight of the most important things for a moment.

I shouldn't have an addiction to Mumford.
    but YES. YES I should.

I shouldn't have crushes on boys where there is no chance
   but I'm 17.

Isn't it funny how even though we know what we should be doing and what is right, we don't do it?  That's called independence, my dear. That's called thinking for yourself and using this wonderful thing we have been given called agency. That's called life is beautiful and short, so love the people you are surrounded with. Don't hold onto things that won't matter in a month or two. See the big picture. See that God is good and he loves you.

Choose to be happy.

Not just happy though.

Choose to thank your Heavenly Father for all of your blessings. Choose to show your friends you really do care. Choose to spend time with your family. Choose to smile EVERYDAY.  Choose to have those days where you wake up late and rush to get ready, but still feel beautiful at school. Choose to look past people's flaws, because you have just as many. Choose to love. Choose to give service daily.

But most importantly.

Choose to love yourself.

Hypocrite

Hypocrisy:
The practice of professing standards, beliefs, etc. contrary to one's real character or actual behavior. Especially the pretense of virtue or piety.

I don't usually have issues with people. Besides those who are hypocrites. It's hard for them to gain my respect. Really hard at times.

It's also very easy to lose. 

The thoughts I had tonight.

Guys. I danced tonight. Well kinda. I performed with my wonderful dance co at the basketball game. Devyn and I had to do things a little modified due to the fact we're a little handicapped. But it still felt absolutely amazing. I've missed dance so much. It really is how I express myself. I don't know a better feeling than being able to dance for a large group of people and share your talent. I know it's a gift from God. One gift I will never take for granted again.

I don't think people understand how amazing high school is. I kinda thought about this tonight at the basketball game. I was sitting behind someone whos head I couldnt see over, so I had  some time to just look  around and think. Sure there is some stuff that we all wish we could just get rid of. Like those people who are only concerned about their social status, or if they will get a kiss that weekend. Please, let's just all be friends. We're only cavemen together for so long. If I'm going to have to see someone at school every day, we might as well be friends. How many faces do you see everyday that you don't know anything about those people?  I've learned the value of people this year. Part of the reason is because of student council. And please don't call me sweater. That was funny for the first week, not any more. Some people think stuco gives you this view that you are better than everyone else. Well it actually does the opposite. I've met so many people this year  that I've grown to care so much for. I've really seen that what people say about me doesn't matter. Because the fact is that I'm happy. I'm meeting new friends. People mean so much to me. I've also learned that just because someone feels or thinks something negative about you, it doesn't mean they are right. You know yourself better than anyone else does. Don't let people who give you so little thought, consume your thoughts. Please just live in high school. You really only get one shot at it. So make it the best you can. And so what if someone thinks your dramatic. It's all part of growing up. Don't let people discourage you. There is only so much you can do to please people. If they aren't willing to make an effort then don't stress. They may not be worth it. AF is filled with amazing people who will do extraordinary things. Through being involved with the school, I've grown to love it. Especially my stuco family and dance co sisters . They are hard to beat.

P.S. sorry for the long post. I've been grounded all week and had nothing better to do on a Friday night.

Oh and I'm still smiling about dancing tonight. Life is looking up. 

And It's Her Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Kelsie!

Today is Kelsie's birthday. She is sweet seventeen! You want to know how our friendship started? Well Connor asked me to Winter Waltz last year, and he asked me on the night Spencer opened his mission call. Kelsie came with him to help ask, so she ended up coming to watch Spencer open his call as well. Ever since then, we've been inseperable. We've been through it all together. All of my greatest high school memories involve Kelsie. Hah and I'm serious when I say that. Just to name a few:

1. Winter Waltz group
2. Prom group
3. Countless drive bys. (This is a bit embarrassing to admit)
4. Late night sonic runs
5. Long long phone calls. Especially after school dances.
6. Sitting on her couch listening to Travis give me advice.
7. Watching her play soccer.
8. Lunch trips
9. Birthday parties
10. We've had some good cries together.
11. Double dates.
12. We've had nights where we laugh so hard our stomach's hurt.
13. We are a bit of social media stockers. But that's normal, right?
14. Trying to survive math together.
15. Sending quotes to each other. Kelsie has a quote for everything.
16. Her hiding under the bleachers on that cold night after the stag dance.
17. Peter Pan
18. Listening to Taylor Swift and watching chick flicks together.

This is only the beginning of our long list of adventures. But I think some of my greatest memories with Kelsie are when we don't plan anything, and just spend time together. She is such a good listener and is always there when I need her. Oh and when it comes to boys, she is always right. I've learned not to doubt her. It's a lucky thing, finding a friend who really accepts you for who you are. I don't know how Kels puts up with me. I'm emotional, dramatic, I can be prideful, but I try my best to be the kind of friend she is to me. It's crazy to think I only met her a little over a year ago. But it's not time that makes a friendship strong. It's the genuine care and love you have for each other and everything in their life. High school is rough. Growing up is rough. However, having someone who you know you can always rely on makes things a lot easier. Thanks Kels for everything. Love you!

Goo Goo Dolls

I've spent the day listening to a ton of old songs on my Ipod. This one is still on my list of favorites. All I can say is thank you Goo Goo Dolls. This song is a classic.

All Thanks to Kelsie and Taylor Swift

Fun fact. I use to be one of those people that was anti Taylor Swift. Like "change the station because I can't listen to her" kind of anti Taylor Swift. Until about 2 months ago. Actually two months and nine days ago to be exact. All thanks to dear Kelsie. She has been telling me for a long time that there is a Taylor Swift song for everything. Well it's not until recently that I've realized how right she was. I should know by now that Kels is always right. Because... well she knows me better than I know myself.

Two months ago it was this song.
 P.S. before you blast this song with the windows down, be careful about who's house you may be passing. Like really.

Oh and this one as well. Super fun to listen to with your best friend as you spend your Friday nights together getting Sonic and realizing that you really don't need boys.

Then about a month later it was this song. I just wish I could have fast forwarded to see that maybe, just maybe, I should have thought through things.

Side note: Making breakfast at midnight can be one of the greatest ways to spend your New Years. All inspired by Taylor Swift and this song. Plus being happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time? Well that describes my life.

As of recently I've found myself turning to this song in my free time. I hate that this song is my T Swift song at the moment, but sometimes you don't realize how blind you can be. Sometimes you don't understand things until after. You wish you could take it all back, but at the same time you don't because those memories are just too good. Too good to be true to be exact.

Missions

It's finally happening. Two summers ago I was in San Francisco with my Showcase dance company. Spencer, my wonderful brother, wanted to come along. First, so he could see his sisters dance. Second, he wasn't going to miss out on spending a week in California with over 20 girls. One night Spencer, Sarah and I were talking about the future and what it holds. Spencer was so excited to serve a mission next summer and it felt like forever away.                    

Well now he has been out about seven months and I'm still adjusting to it. Sarah was talking about what she wanted to do with her future. She thought about serving a mission, but neither of us thought it would come this soon. Now she has her mission all to New Zealand and we are all growing up. My two best friends are dedicating time to the Lord and I couldn't be happier for them.


It's kinda scary how quickly time passes.
It seems like yesterday Spencer was starting his first day at AFHS. Well now I am half way done with my high school experience. I was talking to Adam at the Lone Peak, American Fork basketball game the other day about how different things would be if I went to Lone Peak like I was suppose to. I can honestly say going to AF was one the hardest, but most rewarding decisions I have ever made. I've been able to surround myself with amazing people who have taught me so much. I've always seen Sarah as my older sister I never had. Her testimony is so strong. As a little sophomore, she was the one who helped me get to know people at the school, and reach out of my comfort zone. When she opened her call, I couldn't help but cry. Not because I won't see her for so long, but because I am so so proud of her. She has made such an impact on me, and I don't know how I will ever repay her. It was such an amazing night. Plus to top it all off, I got to watch Pitch Perfect with some of my best friends after. It's hard to find greater boys than Adam, Kyle, Parker and Taylor. It makes me so happy that they all get to go serve missions as well really soon.  Also, Kiera never fails to make me laugh. I adore all these people. I just felt really blessed yesterday. The church is true. 

Sometimes People Are Beautiful

“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” 

Everyone has an idea of what they think is beautiful. For a long time I saw beautiful as the girl who turned all the heads of the boys at school. That's what I wanted to be. However my whole image of what beauty is has changed. I've realized that I am surrounded by beautiful people. Don't get me wrong, I have gorgeous friends, but not just because of their outer beauty. Ashley never fails to make me laugh. She has a gorgeous smile. Hannah always makes sure I know she loves me. Kelsie is the best example I could ask for. Rachel always listens and gives wonderful advice. McCall will drop whatever she is doing to help me. Maggie reminds me to have fun in life. Adam reminds me to really care about people. Taylor shows me the importance  of never judging before you know someone. I could go on and on. The people I am surrounded by teach me so much. I hope they know how grateful I am. Never take people for granted. 

Life Isn't Fair, But That's Ok

I got punched in the gut tonight. Well, not literally punched, but the closest thing possible without it even happening. Let me explain. You know how when you get punched you bend over in pain? But you also bend over as a protective moment so it won’t happen again. Thus, an emotional punch in the gut. Actually, I’ve been being punched for quite a while now. I keep “bending over” and trying to ignore all these hits that have happened. They all hurt. There is no denying that. But I’ve been pushing through them without really figuring out why I am letting this happen. I have been taking the punches.  I have been beat down to the point where after an event tonight, I really struggled to get up. I sit there and take the punches. I’m not learning how to avoid these punches, let alone fight back. I know this is a cheesy metaphor for trials in life. But it’s the best way to explain how I feel.

I have a favorite quote that says, “Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.” I have it in my room taped to my mirror along with pictures of my best friends and my “Daily Prophet” made by Mikey. Tonight I had a talk with my mom. Like most of our talks go, it ended up with me in tears talking about how I want nothing more than to just dance again. Just to put on a leotard and have Attila teach me ballet, and tell me to eat less watermelon because my stomach sticks out. I miss all of it. I miss the people. I miss the discipline. I miss the inside jokes. I miss forgetting the rest of the world for a few hours as I focus on me and be in a room where it is completely okay to express myself. I told myself that through this injury I would never ask the “why me?” question. But I found myself thinking it tonight. I found myself thinking God has given me a trial that I really can’t handle. Then my mom said something. She told me this is when we really find out what my character is made of. This is when we see how I handle things. It made me think of the quote in my room. Character is more than how you treat others. It’s about how you treat yourself as well. I’ve experienced things through this trial that no one else would understand. They have become a part of me and if given the chance to take back this injury, I wouldn’t. It has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with. No question. I haven’t handled it as well as I should. I’ve played the pity card at times. The injury was just the first punch. I also was hit with two deaths in my family within the space of about a month. School has been really hard for me. I have struggled to see eye to eye with my parents. I’ve had a few friend problems. So when I came home from being gone tonight my mom wanted to talk. She asked me if I really had guidance as to where I wanted to go. I am a very opinionated person. I don’t always share it, but I always have an opinion. I also hate being told I am wrong. To the point where even if I am, I won’t admit it at times. So having my mom tell me I wasn’t spending my time wisely or having my priorities straight was really hard to hear. That punch really hurt.

I wish more than anything that I could wake up tomorrow morning and my knee would be perfectly fine. That I didn’t have to sit out of dance co, or come home from school and watch my sister go to ballet as I stay home. That I didn’t have to ride that dumb bike for exercise. But it doesn’t work that way.

Life isn’t fair, but that’s ok.

Life keeps throwing puches at me. I ask myself when it’s all going to stop. But you know what… I don’t think it will. It’s all part of growing up.  It’s all part of discovering the kind of person I want to be. It’s all part of realizing my standards and what is important. Maybe God realized that I wouldn’t change anything in my life unless something drastic happened. I know he understand how hard it is for me to not be able to do what I love. But he also sees the bigger picture. He sees how this is all going to benefit me. I guess I’m starting to see it as well. I’m starting to learn how to deal with the pain of the punches.

“If we are faithful in our trials, all our loses will be made up.”

Music

Sorry for the blog overload tonight. This is the song I choreographed to for dance co. Just take a minute to listen to the beautiful voice of Carole King.

Also as much as I love Mumford, this is no question my favorite song. There are a lot of stories behind this song as to why I love it so much. It's a bitter sweet love. Sad thing is I had never heard it before until a year ago when it was played at Cavestock. I know, it's a little pathetic. But I didn't love Coldplay until about a year ago, so I try to justify it that way. I find myself putting my ipod and my memories on replay as I listen to this. 

Don't Worry, I'm Confused As Well

You know when you are on a roller coaster and you feel like you can't keep your neck up? Like you have no control of it at all? Well that's how I feel right now. I don't think I have danced that hard in a long time. Actually, I know I haven't danced that hard in a long time. And it felt wonderful. My knee also hates me this morning. I went a little too hard on it, but i couldn't help it. You put me in a gym where music is blasting, and I am surrounded by a bunch of hormonal high schoolers(It's the truth), and I can't help but just let go. Hero's dance was so much fun. Bryce was such a nice date and it was a ton of fun to get to know him better. Our group was perfect. Filled with some of my favorite people. I have to say one of my favorite parts though was sitting on Cordell's couch after, and having a wonderful talk with Hannah and CaLea. I adore CaLea. She is wise beyond her years. I learned more from her in 20 minutes than I have learned by myself over the past two months.

Let me just take a minute to talk about the people I love. If you aren't friends with Maggie, you need to be. Her and I have become great friends this year and I know I can trust her with whatever. Last night my respect level for her increased. I'm glad that we are close enough, that when something happens that she feels like I should know about straight from her, rather then through the grapevine, she is willing to tell me right away, and the circumstances. Plus after we talked last night, I realized I wasn't even mad. Partly because she was the one who told me, and the other half because... well... it just doesn't bother me anymore. Or I'm just trying to convince myself.  I also need to thank Cordell for being such a gentlemen. He always seems to know when I need a little cheering up. I've gotten to know him really well over the past month or so, and this kid is going places. He also calls me "Heather Feather" and I like it. He reminds me that in high school, your standards are very important. Don't let anyone change them. Also being yourself is the best person you can be.

I've been a jumbled mess lately. It's not like me to feel this way as well. I usually know exactly what I want. However, I have realized what I want, and what I need are two completely different things. I have also learned that you always want what you can't have. Not only does my neck right now make me feel like I am riding a roller coaster, but also other aspects of my life.  I am on a constant emotional roller coaster that takes me up and down. Worst part is, I don't know why I feel this way. I really shouldn't for many many reasons. I know this makes no sense at all. Believe me, I am confused as well. CaLea has told me things just take time. So for now, I just wait, and hopefully all of this will work out. Maybe not the way I want it to, but the way it should be. Also here is another issue. I really like roller coasters. 

"Tragedy"

Tragedy

By Brandi Carlile

Sorry I'm only
Human you know me
Grown up oh no guess again

My days always
Dry up and blow away
Sometimes I could do that too
But make no mistake that

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

Progress, changing
Growing then giving up
Somehow we're never quite prepared
But I understand it

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

So taking you with me would be like
Taking all your money to the grave
It does no good to anyone especially
The one you're trying to save
But it's so hard not to save

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

So these are the lyrics to the dance Devyn and I are doing a duet to. It is so powerful and I absolutely love it! We started choreographing today and this dance has so much potential. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have Devyn through this whole knee experience. She knows EXACTLY what it is like. Oh and she calls me "heather girl" which I love. She's wonderful. Being happy is wonderful. Life is wonderful. 

The Simple Things

I've been so stressed this week. Like wanting to scream and pull my hair out. Which is not good because my biggest fear in life is losing my hair. I know that sounds weird. But it's the truth. My grades this term have been really hard to keep at an A. I will probably be ending the term with a b+ which hurts, but I tried my best so I'm not too upset.
I've also been stressed because our dance co proposals were due this week. Huge thank you to McCall for dancing for me. She's always more than willing to help and I thank her for that. So Devyn texted me today and said she is interested in doing a duet for us. It's about going through trials but always knowing there is someone there to rely on. Devyn and I have become really close since we both have had injuries this year. We've been there for each other in our lowest point. So you could say I'm a little excited. Actually a lot. I'm excited to work on this piece. I'm just excited to dance again. 3 months, please go by quickly.
Today I had one of those experiences where the spirit talks to you, and you don't realize it until after. My sweet friend kelsie has had a rough week. I could just tell today that she needed to be reminded she was loved. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden I had the strong impression to stop and buy kels a cupcake. So i stopped by Dippidees and bought her one, wrote her a note and left it at her house. She told me later today that it was exactly what she needed. It's moments like this when I realize The Lord really does care about the little things in our life. Buying kels a cupcake was such an easy thing, but I can tell it really meant a lot to her. So listen to the promptings of the spirit. The Lord is always there.
Oh I got asked to the Heros dance! I think I've talked to Bryce like once before, but I've heard he is a great kid and I'm super excited. I'm excited to make a new friend! 

To Love and Be Loved

Today I learned something during school that will apply to my everyday life. Like really, how often does that happen?
We had a Pastor come and talk to us in my world religion class. He said the main purpose we are here is to love and be loved. I don't know if I can agree that is our main purpose, but that is definitely a large part. Everything we do and how we act is for the sake of love. He said the main purpose he played football was to feel loved. He realized it was the wrong kind of love he was looking for. He was looking for the love that makes him feel important. Popularity. That's what a lot of kids are looking for in high school. I started thinking over my actions recently and realized his view of love fits me perfectly. So my word of advice: love everyone. Get to know people. Everyone has so much to offer and so much potential. People really are amazing.

I love the DI. You can find the most cool but weird things. I've got a friend who likes collecting vinyls. So while I was at the DI I decided to get him some for his birthday. I realized I really love making people happy. I love knowing a person well enough to know what they really like. But it also makes me feel great when people know me well enough to know what makes me happy. I'm blessed to have people in my life like that. It's a huge blessing in high school.

Tonight my closing quote isn't Mumford. I know that's a complete shocker. But it's Coldplay. Which is also amazing.

"And high up above or down below.
When you're too inlove to let it go.
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth."

the Daily Mumford

"Sister, don't let go of us.
 If you want to feel alive,
then learn to love your ground.
But don't test the ones you love.
It will only tear us down.
Sister, don't test the ones you love." 

It's Just Good

There is something about curling my hair. Actually, when I do my hair in general.

It's great when I dress up and I feel really pretty.

I feel like I can conquer anything when I wear my favorite boots. It's even better when I wear my wool socks.

It makes my day when my Spanish Fork friends call me and come visit. I absolutely adore them both. They are also quite good looking. That's always a bonus.

I love when Parker  and I get lost in inside jokes. We have so many it can be embarrassing. I also love his sister. We both miss her terribly.

I love going to fancy social events. Well, fancy birthday parties.

It's always wonderful to see a sharp dressed man. Even better when you get to sit by them.

It's completely shocking when I get lucky and win a guessing game. It makes my day.

I secretly like how Adam and I laugh at some of the dumbest things, and not always the most appropiate.

I love seeing people who are happy. That makes me happy.

It's fun to look around a room full of people and think of past memories. Some better than others.

I love learning about someones childhood. It helps you understand people better.

There is nothing quite like eating dinner with your best friends, in a dim lit room, and discussing what you always talk about: relationships, clothes, a bunch of inside jokes, and Les Mis.

Some of the best memories I have involve late nights on my couch with Hannah and Ashley. I play with Hannah's hair, while Ashley Instagram stocks people. But we all end up on the floor laughing.

Overall, I love Saturdays that are just good.

More Mumford

My favorite song at the moment.

"Hold On To What You Believe"
Mumford and Sons 

I, I can't promise you
that I won't let you down
And I, I can't promise you
that I will be the only one around
when your hope falls down

But we're young, open flowers in the windy fields
of this war-torn world
And love, this city breathes the plague
of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land means less and less to me
without you breathing through its trees
At every turn the water runs away from me
and the halo disappears
and the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

You Only Get As Much As You Give

Random fact: my legs are two different sizes. Due to the fact that I didn't walk on my right leg for at least 2 months, my pants are always baggy on the right side. I have got to experience this wonderful thing called physical therapy. My therapist is named Steve, and seriously is one of the funniest people I have met.  He also is concerned with my life out of therapy, which may sounds weird, but it's really not. During November I was invited to a dinner party. One of the fancy dress up type which I adore. I have a secret obsession with classy things, and so this party was right down my alley. Connor and I were going to the party together, but we had to stop by Fresh Market first because he had to get a dessert. So there we are both dressed up and I hear someone say, "You better have your brace on beneath that dress." Well it was Steve, and the first thing I hear when I come back to therapy is him wondering who the boy was. Good thing my mom was there to back me up when I said Connor was strictly one of my best friends. I'm lucky to have Connor as such a good friend. Oh and his love with Jolene is probably the cutest thing ever. Where I'm going with this is, there are a lot of people who have  helped me stay positive through this whole recovery. Steve is definitely one of them. He reminds me I only get out as much as I put in. My parents have been wonderful. My dad tore his acl when he was young, so he knows what it's like and has given me a lot of advice. Two more months, and hopefully I will be back out on the dance floor doing what makes me happy. I wish I could say I could throw on my pointe shoes come April, but I know it will be quite a while before I start worrying about blisters and bruised toenails.

I had a talk with a friend today. One of those good long talks, that you leave feeling like you've figured a few things out. I guess the past few months I've had a lot of experiences like this. My schedule has been the same for as long as I can remember. Go to school, go to dance, do homework, and occasionally try to be social. Well ever since September 12, I've had a lot of time for I guess you could call it "self discovery". I think everyone goes through this at one point. But during this talk today things sorta clicked. It goes back to what Steve told me about my knee. You only get out what you put in. If I want someone to treat me a certain way, I also have to treat them correctly. Effort goes both ways. That's the funny thing about people. We sometimes just expect things to happen to our advantage. At least I think that way. I always think the only karma that will hit me is good karma. Hah that's a lie. Karma has kicked me in the butt lately. My friend told me to look at things through other people's eyes. Try seeing it from their point of view. This friend seems to know me better than I know myself sometimes. Maybe because I'm easy to read. We talked a lot about trust. Trust is one of those things that  really is earned. It can also be lost very quickly. You just come to realize who you can trust and what they are telling other people. None of this really makes sense. I don't quite understand everything I am learning, but I know I will eventually. Best part of all of this is I realized I am happy. Like really happy. Sure, things aren't perfect. But happiness is a choice. There are people who I've pushed away without even trying. So here we go! I miss friends and like I said, it's up to me. It's never too late to save a friendship. Especially one that you have ruined yourself. So I need to thank Miss Denney for giving me some clarity today. She's absolutely wonderful.  

A Year of Firsts

I made it through 2012. What a year it has been. A year of "firsts" is probably the best way to describe it. First time driving. First kiss. Well first time I've actually associated with boys. First glimpse at a broken heart. First real injury and surgery. First time having to stand for what I believe. First time I failed a math test. First time I've actually had to think about what my testimony means. First time I've had to say goodbye to a sibling for two years. First time I went to a concert. First time refusing a kiss. First time I became a true caveman. First time sitting in the front row of my dance recital and crying because I wanted nothing more than to be on stage. First time wearing a stuco sweater. First time a friend has made me cry. First time feeling replaced. First time realizing I really was replaced. First time I've lost someone who we all felt wasn't ready to go. First time I knew I had really met a true friend. First time knowing what it's like to really want something you know you can't have. First time discovering I'm really obsessed with Mumford . First time admitting I kinda like Taylor swift. First time on crutches. First "fireworks went off" kiss after a school dance. First "I probably should have thought that one through" kiss.  First time I've lost a best friend. First time I've realized what is important in life. First time having to get a math tutor. First time getting in a real argument with my parents. First time feeling completely alone. First time choreographing a dance. First time I met Devyn Bogh who has taught me what it means to be a team player and not play the "pity" card. First (and I hope only) time I've torn my ACL in front of the school and still finished the dance. First time taking OxyContin and Lortab, after surgery, and disappointing Taylor because I didn't react to them. First prom. First time seeing how mean girls can be. First time seeing how loyal friends can be. First time I've realized I'm blessed beyond belief to have Kelsie as a best friend. First time I've never been happier to be apart of stuco. First time doing the dance co cheer. First time crying in my car with Hannah after listening to a band play and feeling stupid but learning a valuable lesson. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've learned a lot this year. I've learned that its ok to trust people. I'm so darn independent I even bug myself sometimes. But I've also learned I can't depend on other people for my happiness. Because people change, and things happen. What you want and see as important can be completely different than someone else.

I've got this friend. He's pretty great. It's one of those friendships that just sorta happens and you can't really remember how it happened. Anyway, at one time I had a crush on his best friend, and he had a crush on mine. A few broken hearts and long talks later, we discovered something. We have something in common. Something deeper than just liking the same music. We both have the ability to love people. Not just like a high school love, but accepting someone and wanting the absolute best for them type of love. We both expect the same kind of love from our friends and then feel confused when they don't return it. So my goal this year is to not expect people to act a certain way because we are all human and if we were all the same life would be terribly boring. So I'm going to love people for who they are and know things always work out. I want Heather to be known for accepting everyone and letting them know they can trust me. I don't always want to focus on myself because that's one of my talents, and its not a good thing. I've gained and lost friends in 2012 and I'm excited to see what this year has to offer. I'm excited to see what "firsts" will happen.