Life Isn't Fair, But That's Ok

I got punched in the gut tonight. Well, not literally punched, but the closest thing possible without it even happening. Let me explain. You know how when you get punched you bend over in pain? But you also bend over as a protective moment so it won’t happen again. Thus, an emotional punch in the gut. Actually, I’ve been being punched for quite a while now. I keep “bending over” and trying to ignore all these hits that have happened. They all hurt. There is no denying that. But I’ve been pushing through them without really figuring out why I am letting this happen. I have been taking the punches.  I have been beat down to the point where after an event tonight, I really struggled to get up. I sit there and take the punches. I’m not learning how to avoid these punches, let alone fight back. I know this is a cheesy metaphor for trials in life. But it’s the best way to explain how I feel.

I have a favorite quote that says, “Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.” I have it in my room taped to my mirror along with pictures of my best friends and my “Daily Prophet” made by Mikey. Tonight I had a talk with my mom. Like most of our talks go, it ended up with me in tears talking about how I want nothing more than to just dance again. Just to put on a leotard and have Attila teach me ballet, and tell me to eat less watermelon because my stomach sticks out. I miss all of it. I miss the people. I miss the discipline. I miss the inside jokes. I miss forgetting the rest of the world for a few hours as I focus on me and be in a room where it is completely okay to express myself. I told myself that through this injury I would never ask the “why me?” question. But I found myself thinking it tonight. I found myself thinking God has given me a trial that I really can’t handle. Then my mom said something. She told me this is when we really find out what my character is made of. This is when we see how I handle things. It made me think of the quote in my room. Character is more than how you treat others. It’s about how you treat yourself as well. I’ve experienced things through this trial that no one else would understand. They have become a part of me and if given the chance to take back this injury, I wouldn’t. It has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with. No question. I haven’t handled it as well as I should. I’ve played the pity card at times. The injury was just the first punch. I also was hit with two deaths in my family within the space of about a month. School has been really hard for me. I have struggled to see eye to eye with my parents. I’ve had a few friend problems. So when I came home from being gone tonight my mom wanted to talk. She asked me if I really had guidance as to where I wanted to go. I am a very opinionated person. I don’t always share it, but I always have an opinion. I also hate being told I am wrong. To the point where even if I am, I won’t admit it at times. So having my mom tell me I wasn’t spending my time wisely or having my priorities straight was really hard to hear. That punch really hurt.

I wish more than anything that I could wake up tomorrow morning and my knee would be perfectly fine. That I didn’t have to sit out of dance co, or come home from school and watch my sister go to ballet as I stay home. That I didn’t have to ride that dumb bike for exercise. But it doesn’t work that way.

Life isn’t fair, but that’s ok.

Life keeps throwing puches at me. I ask myself when it’s all going to stop. But you know what… I don’t think it will. It’s all part of growing up.  It’s all part of discovering the kind of person I want to be. It’s all part of realizing my standards and what is important. Maybe God realized that I wouldn’t change anything in my life unless something drastic happened. I know he understand how hard it is for me to not be able to do what I love. But he also sees the bigger picture. He sees how this is all going to benefit me. I guess I’m starting to see it as well. I’m starting to learn how to deal with the pain of the punches.

“If we are faithful in our trials, all our loses will be made up.”